My Double Life

Posted on July 23, 2010

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As good as my life is I can’t help but wonder about my other life. The life I almost had. The life that fate took away from me with the death of my Father.

I constantly wonder what could have been. What college would I have attended? What state would I currently be living in? Would I be married or not if so, to whom? That’s not one of my major concerns, because I’m happily married, but you know what I mean. Would I have eventually met my wife in that other life?

The death of my Father in 1994 truly has triggered me to create a double life. A life in which I am an alumni of possibly a more prestigious university. A life where I chose a better career and make much more money than I do now. A life that my Father exists in.

At the end of all my pondering I find  many questions, but never an answer. I must move on and let go of what could have been. I believe I hold on because I wonder if life would have been better. Would I be happier? Not that I’m not happy, but could I be even happier than I am now. I wish I could split my double life in two and watch it in IMAX. Somewhat like the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. Great movie in which Gwyneth Paltrow finds out her boyfriend is cheating on her after coming home early one day. At that point her life is split into two stories. The life where she decides to stay with her cheating boyfriend & the life where she leaves him and hurts for a period of time, but grows to become a better person. Definitely a movie worth seeing at least once.

Any who, I wish I could do that. But of course that is the movies and I very well can’t. There is a part of me that will never let go. A part of me that will always ponder the life I could have had, but have no idea what it would have been. The life that I wonder if the grass would have been greener on. I will never know so I will be doomed to live this double life in my head until fate takes me to where my Father is………..

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Posted in: Relationships