A Day In The Life: SPAM Star

Posted on September 10, 2010

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I’m sure you heard of me. I’m well known. I’m SPAM Star. I receive a massive amount of spam every day. Maybe you don’t know me, but guess who does. The spammers that live under the basement of the lowest level of Hades. That’s who.

These spammers cleverly locate my email address about 1-3 times an hour and send me the most creative offers, scams, & silliness known to man. Once a day I clear all their emails from my spam folder. Not today. Today I have decided to evaluate each and every one of these spam emails.  Not only that, but I will also respond and maybe my email will reach them under that basement of the lowest level of Hades. Join me in my 1-day battle as I reclaim my email and respond to the enemy.

You think you know me, but you have no idea…..

SPAM Star

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Spam Email 1: Cool, I’ve been invited to a party in Manhattan, NY. It’s called “Rose Dream & Champagne Wishes”. I need to RSVP ASAP. Doors open at 11pm on September 11th.

Spam Response 1: Hello Mr. Spammer,

I am SPAM Star. My wife & son would not appreciate it if I were to fly up to Manhattan, NY this weekend and partied with a whole lot of single, sexy, half-naked women. If I ever feel the need to end my marriage quickly I will email you for directions ASAP. Please, do not hold your breath. I’d hate to be responsible for your untimely death.

Sincerly,

SPAM Star

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Spam Email 2: An offer to buy Cialis. Which they actually spelled Cializ. If I were interested I should be scared right about now. Because if they can’t spell the name right who knows what they’d actually send me if I were to make a purchase of their bogus product.

Spam Response 2: Dear Spammer,

I appreciate your offer. It just so happens that everything at the moment is going AYE OH KAY down yonder. Please stop sending me these emails. I’m sorry we had to break up like this. Look, it’s not you……it’s me.

Sincerely,

SPAM Star

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Spam Email 3: Hmmm…..how can I word this. They are offering to maximize my Australia. I hope you got that, because that’s as much as I’m saying.

Spam Response 3: Dear Spammer,

I’m sure your product works great. Actually, I don’t believe you. I do hope you can find something better to do with your computer though than send a gazillion emails out all day. Go away! Seriously, go away and hide under a really large and heavy rock. Don’t come out until I email you. Effective immediately.

Sincerely,

SPAM Star

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Okay, I’m pooped. I don’t have the energy to keep up with these spammers. They are good at what they do. One interesting note. The spammer from email 1 actually responded and told me to unsubscribe by going to the bottom of the email. I let him know that I’ve done that in the past to no avail, but I would try again. Not sure if it has worked yet.

What have I learned from this little experiment? That I should be doing better things with my time. I’m going outside. Lol! Have a blessed day.

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Posted in: Life, Technology