Child—Where’s Your Instruction Manual?

Posted on October 14, 2010


Who in the world thought it was a good idea to give two grown adults who “think” they have it all together a child!?! Okay, that’s a rhetorical question. Worst part is the child did not come with an instruction manual. Not a single direction. Return address, in case we think we put our order in wrong and want to order another baby. Nothing!!!! Zip!!! Zilch!!! Nada!!!

Eight months in and I’m slowly figuring things out, but I was worse between 0-6 months. I won’t speak for my lovely, charming, smart, & beautiful wife. As for me……..I was in total limbo.

Here are a few moments of confusion that I really would have benefited from an instruction manual:

1. It’s fed, it’s changed, it’s rested and still crying. What do I do?

2. I’ve taken the diaper off and the little guy decided he wasn’t done using it. And WHOA………his aim is off the charts!!! What do I do?

3. I believe his slobber has gotten into my iPhone. Is it salvageable?

4. I’m late for work because the little guy decided to drop HIROSHIMA and NAGASAKI all at the same time. And ewwwwww………there’s poo on the back of my hand. What do I do?

5. You want me to put the thermometer where!?! Is there somewhere else less violating?

6. If I put him down he cries. When I pick him up he cries. I think I want to cry too! What should I do?

7. He won’t sleep in his crib. He won’t sleep in his pack -n- play, but when he sleeps in the bed he looks so happy. I believe he just smiled in his sleep. How can I get him out?

8. My wife told me to use the sterile water to make his bottles. I considered using the water from the tap or the disperser on the frig because it’s easier to get to. What is the difference between sterile water and bottled water? Is bottle water not sterile? Is my life in danger? I’m so confused.

9. He won’t stop drooling. Should I be concerned?

10. I cut his finger nails, but they still slice like Freddy Krueger. Can he be declawed!?!

Any who, I’m still learning. If anyone accidentally took the instruction manual that belongs to my son. PLEASE RETURN IT IMMEDIATELY!!! Thanks in advance.